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Jonathan Hitchcock is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. He has been known to remodel train stations on his lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

He translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, he writes award winning operas, he manages time efficiently. Occasionally, he treads water for three days in a row. He woos women with his sensuous and god-like trombone playing. He can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and he cooks thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes.

He is an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, he once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

He plays jazz cello, he was tried for the Springboks, and he is the subject of numerous documentaries. When he's bored, he builds large suspension bridges in his garden. He enjoys urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, he repairs electrical appliances free of charge.

He is an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over his original line of corduroy evening wear. He doesn't perspire. He is a private citizen, yet he receives fan mail. He bats 500. He has won several weekends in exotic places. Last summer, he toured Cape Town with a centrifugal force demonstration. He runs the 100m in 7 seconds. His deft floral arrangements have earned him fame in international botany circles. Children trust him. He can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. He once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

He knows the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. He has performed several covert operations for the C.I.A. He sleeps once a week; when he does sleep, he sleeps in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, he successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to him. He balances, he weaves, he dodges, he frolics, and his bills are all paid. He is often gruntled, kempt and shevelled. Years ago, he discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. He has been caller number 25 and has won the private concert tickets.

He bowls 20 above a perfect 300. He golfs with a negative handicap and still scores less than eighteen. He is an Olympic gold medal winning synchronized swimmer. He invented the concept of mathematics, and is an expert woodcarver. During the Cold War, Jonathan also spent time as a double agent in the KGB. On weekends, to let off steam, he participates in full contact origami. He has made extraordinary four-course meals using only a toaster and a lemon. He breeds prize-winning clams. He has won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

He has halted tornadoes, excavated four Egyptian pyramids and has flown a biplane around the world solo. He fought in 3 major wars and sacked two enemy cities with only a broken grenade launcher and seven grenades. He has received 3 purple hearts. He runs a soup kitchen in every province. He once replanted an entire forest before breakfast. He can make a perfect omelette using a spoon and a can opener. He has been known to be on both sides of police chases at the same time and he is a world-renowned freestyle skateboarder.

He has calculated every prime number. He was a starter for Bafana Bafana, and has won three Super Twelves. He could tie his shoes at six months of age. By the time he was one and a half, he could speak forty languages and run a four minute mile. He can jump through football goal posts without a running head start.

He has swum across the Pacific Ocean stopping only once to retie the drawstring on his swimming trunks. He hunts entire herds of elks with only a primitive blowgun and three darts. He has flown in several space missions, and he alone saved Apollo 13. He once predicted the eruption of a volcano down to 1/10 of a second, 3 years beforehand. He has won numerous Nobel Prizes. He has played Hamlet, he has performed open-heart surgery and he has spoken with Elvis.

He also knows how to spell "Jonathan"

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Page last modified on July 15, 2020, at 01:02 AM